What if the tears just don’t stop?

In an ideal world starting child care will be a smooth and relatively easy transition with no tears or worries.

Unfortunately, not all children will cope going to child care for the first time.

Some children find it quite overwhelming.

Most children do settle into child care.

There may be a few tears in the first few days or weeks but generally they settle and are happy enough to go to care.

The tears may not stop altogether but the transition has improved.

We are not talking about the initial settling into a new centre or care.

We are talking about very distressed, inconsolable children not children who cry on being left. Those that are distraught all day, or for most of the day, and are not able to be comforted.

While most children do settle into care without too many tears, tantrums or stress, there are some instances when your little one simply doesn’t seem to be coping with the new surroundings and primarily with separation anxiety. In this case it is heartbreaking.

Depending on the situation you may (or may not depending on your circumstances) be able to help but there are measures you can take to try to help your little one to adjust and cope better.

While it will be extremely hard it is suggested to try to remain calm and empathize with the child.

Allow them freely express their thoughts, feelings and anxieties to you and discuss them. It’s important not to dismiss the way your child is feeling. It may be a case of separation anxiety or it may be more.

• Persistent crying throughout the day in care.This includes not being able to be comforted or distracted by the carer.
• Afraid of going to care or afraid of a carer. This can manifest in many ways, they may have nightmares, regress in areas of development such as wetting the bed or into themselves, or it may be verbally sharing with you they don’t want to go as well as the emotional displays both at home and at the care. This can include becoming very distressed at the sheer mention of care or displaying ‘odd’ or worrying behaviour.
• Refusing to eat or drink or not eating or drinking for long periods of time.
• Regression. This is a very serious sign that they are stressed. Whereby they seem to have regressed in their development which can be very visible signs like nightmares during the night, and wetting or soiling pants when they have been toilet trained for a long time to smaller less obvious signs such as bursts of emotional breakdowns that they are not prone to, etc.
• Any otherwise unexplained changes in behaviour. This usually is displayed by acting out behaviours, but this is not always the case as it may be withdrawing, tantrums, etc.

It is important in times like these to talk to the centre about your feelings and concerns about your child.

A good centre will help you formulate and decide on an action plan (such as they contact you if they are still distressed after a period of time; shortened hours of care, bringing in something from home, etc) or decide if it is best to remove the child and try again at a later time. This all depends upon your individual circumstances in if it is possible to try, the child’s distress level, etc.

Some children just take a little longer to cope and others no amount of time will help. It is individual for the child too.

It is vital to be empathetic to the child’s feelings and behaviour and not dismiss it with the thought they will cope or adjust. They need acknowledgement and it needs addressing.

In some case children just don’t settle. It may be the particular setting (not all settings are suitable to all children), their age, etc.

There are many factors but in these cases where you have tried everything, including time and they are still not settling any better (or may be getting more distressed) then you need to evaluate the situation and it may be necessary to think of other options. Removing your child at this time is not going to necessarily affect their adjustment to care at a later time.