What causes tantrums

As adults we often have a negative connotation regarding tantrums but tantrums are an inevitable part of childhood as a child tries to deal with their every changing world.

Remember even as an adult we can still have a “tantrum” if things don’t go right.

A tantrum is a child’s way of attemtpting to navigate and understand their world, of trying to express themselves in often the only way they know how at that moment in time.

Whilst traditionally tantrums generally rear their ugly head between 2-4 years, they can occur at any age including continuing later as well.

We all know about the terrible twos, the notorious terrible twos. Perhaps that particular age group gets a bad wrap because it is most often this age that tantrums generally hit with the biggest ferocity.

Tantrums are bound to happen, statistically speaking every child will have one at some stage, the intensitity may vary depending on the child and the situation.

Tantrums can range from winging to screaming to hitting to kicking to holding their breath to name a few variations.

It is important to remember that tantrums are actually a normal part of child development.

It is how we manage them and support the child during and after a tantrum that is key.

Tantrums happen when there is an underlying cause such as the child is tired, hungry, unable to express themselves.

A tantrum occurs as a child, mostly a toddler, has not yet developed strategies to deal with their feelings and frustration.

As a result a child will attempt to express themselves and this often manifests itself in the display of a tantrum.

Primarily a child may know what they want or need but can’t express it clearly or in the timeframe they are wanting. It may also be frustration over being not able to do something or being told no. This then esculates to the child not being able to process and deal with the frustration and can’t express it in words, hence a tantrum ensues.

As adults, in order to best support them as they are going through this period, is to be mindful in the way we respond and to reduce responding aggressively if at all possible as this will influence the outcome of the situation. Responding aggressively will not diffuse a tantrum. Most likely the child will respond aggressively, or learn that that is the way to approach a situation. It will not help in the long or short term. It will not provide the child with the tools to deal with the root cause of the tantrum and only tends to perpetuates the tantrum cycle.

The cause of a tantrum can vary. Identifying the cause will impact the guidance and support offered to a child. And to make it a little more complex, there is not a one size fits all approach because each child is individual their support will also be slightly different.

Putting yourself in a child’s shoes, as to where they are at developmentally, we can begin to understand their viewpoint as well as it will assist in addressing and managing tantrums.

How you tackle the tantrum is important. An adut’s response can make the difference to the severity of the tantrum, deesculate a tantrum, provide the opportunity for the child to learn and understand their voice is important and being listened to which will then influence how the child reacts then and in the future, how the situation is resolved and responded to and then how to support them in the future.

How you deal with a child is individual and dependent on their age.

Ideally a child needs to be empowered to feel that they are in some sort of control over their feelings and decisions.

This facilitates them to take ownership of their behaviour, helps them to learn about problem solving, sharing, etc. It opens up the lines for reasoning if they feel they have input into things.

• Have clear expectations and guidelines.
• Be consistent.
• Distract the child’s attention to another object, place, thing, etc.
• Speak calmly down at their level.
• Tell them what you do want and focus on the good behaviour.
• Don’t get frustrated and shout or become aggressive back.
• Ask them to talk to you…to tell you what the problem is (depending upon their age and vocab). This allows them to feel you are respecting their feelings and gets them to verbalise the problem and you can both find a solution.
• Be alert for possible triggers to a situation and try to preempt these.
• Take cues from the child…. if they are tired they will be more likely to not be able to cope with circumstances.
• Remove the child from the situation so they can calm down. Remaining at the ‘spot’ allows them to focus on the issue of why the tantrum started.
• Be aware that if there is more than one child and only one toy that an argument and ultimately a tantrum may occur. You can help to alleviate this by playing with them.
• Supervise.
• Interact and ‘muck’ in with their play. If you are part of their play you can help to guide a potential tantrum from becoming a full blown one.
• Give children some choice so that they feel they are in control of some part of their world.
• Accept that regardless of what you may try or do sometimes a tantrum just will happen.
• Sometimes a child needs the space (supervised and where you are available to them) to calm down before they can be supported and move on past the tantrum.