Separation anxiety

Separation anxiety is when a child becomes distressed or excessively anxious when separated from their primary caregiver.

Separation anxiety is a normal phase of childhood and whilst is can be hard for the child it demonstrates that your baby has formed a healthy, loving attachment to you.

Separation anxiety varies from child to child. Some children display tears, clinging and even howling.

This is a common everyday occurrence for some.

Separation anxiety is a stage a child will go through.

The period from between the ages of 7 – 18 months is generally when separation anxiety is at its highest.

Over time and as a child grows, they will learn that they can separate from you, you will return, and everything will be okay between those two points in time.

Much of this learning is based on trust, which takes time to build.

Firstly, it is important to not blame yourself and think it is a result of something you may or may not have done.

Nothing you do will make a child develop separation anxiety.

It is based on their developmental level rather than something specifically that has been ‘done’.

Some children are born with a confident personality whereas some are born with a personality that is more sensitive and they tend to be more anxious, cautious and even insecure .

The latter type of children are more likely to suffer from separation anxiety.

It’s a perfectly normal and important developmental stage.

Nearly all children will experience separation anxiety in some form.

While the reactions are more intense with some and less for others, and for some the stage lasts longer than others; almost all babies have it to some degree.

Children have not experienced or know enough about the world yet to understand that when you leave you’ll always come back.

What they do know is that they feel safe, happy, and best cared for by you. As you have become their source of nourishment, both physical and emotional; their attachment to you means their survival.

• Easily comforted in a parent’s embrace.
• Fear of strangers.
• Strong preference for only one parent.
• Crying when a parent is out of sight.
• Clinginess.

• Practice quick, safe separations throughout the day by creating situations of brief separation.
• When you go into another room, whistle, sing, or talk to your baby so they know you’re still there, even though they can’t see you.
• Give your baby lessons in object permanence. As your baby learns that things continue to exist even when they can’t see them, they’ll feel better about letting you out of their sight. Games like peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek will help them understand.
• Don’t worry about spoiling them with your love, since quite the opposite will happen. The more that you meet their attachment needs during babyhood, the more confident and secure they will grow up to be.
• Allow your child to go through this phase.
• Never sneak away when you have to leave. It may seem easier than dealing with a tearful goodbye, but it will just cause them constant worry that you’re going to disappear without warning at any given moment.
• Leave without fanfare.
• Explain what is going to happen. Talk to them about where you are going and when you’ll be back. Eventually, they’ll come to understand your explanations.
• Don’t rush the parting, but don’t prolong it, either. A common mistake is lingering longer than necessary as it prelongs the departure which can make the final separation even more traumatic as the longer you stay the more your child may become upset and even hysterical.
• Express a positive attitude when leaving them. Leave with a smile. Your baby will absorb your emotions, so if you’re nervous about leaving, they’ll be nervous as well.
• Leave your baby with familiar people. If you have to leave your baby with a new caregiver, try to arrange a few visits when you’ll all be together before you leave the two of them alone for the first time.
• If you’re leaving your baby with a caregiver or relative, encourage your baby to be involved with an activity as you leave and say a quick good-bye as they are distracted. Involve the carer in the process. Greet them happily, talk positively to them and engage their interactions to help to with the separation. They can distract your child into an activity to help them get over the distress and it can help in developing a positive bond and consistent approach to the drop off.
• Always acknowledge their feelings. They are real. Never tell them that they are being silly or dismiss their distress. Try to be empathetic but confident in your responses.
• Follow through on promises. If you promise to be back after lunch for example, ensure you do return as promised to develop that level of trust.
• Keep familiar surroundings or have something to make the new environment familiar in some way. this can be a familiar toy, picture, etc to help to soothe the child and make them feel more comfortable with something familiar.
• At home allow your baby the separation that they initiate. If they crawl off to another room, don’t rush after them immediately. Listen and peek, of course, to make sure that they are safe, but let them feel its fine to go off exploring on their own.
• Routines are often good in this situation. Children love and respond well to the consistency that a routine brings. This may also help in the drop-off.
• You may find that your child starts getting upset well before getting to the destination. On the way or at the outset of the distress encourage your child to focus on positive things or things they will (or want) to do when they arrive or during the day.