Techniques for managing behaviour

A child’s natural curiosity and drive to become independent and explore and learn may mean that at times a child may push the boundaries and limits.

When a child is learning about their world they may display challenging behaviours.

Using strategies and methods that have been recognized to be effective helps to guide the behaviour better.

Encouraging good behaviour rather than focusing on the ‘bad’ is a great way to turn around unwanted behaviour.

Identifying, understanding and acknowledging the underlying reason for the behaviour can help to address it.

Looking at the situation, the root cause, the age and developmental capacity of the child are a few factors to take into consideration when understanding the behaviour.

Managing behaviour doesn’t have to be a struggle between wills.

1:1 time: Nothing guides good behaviour more than quality time with the individual child. There is nothing better than spending time with your child. The dishes will wait and the washing will always be there but the behaviour may escalate to unwanted in an attempt to gain some sort of attention from you. If you can spend some 1:1 time with your child they will feel loved, feel valued and be more inclined to want to try to do the right thing rather than be trying to attract your attention anyway they can.

Set boundaries: By having boundaries the child will know what is acceptable and what is not. They need to be realistic and the child needs to be aware and accept them. The child can have (age appropriate) some say towards what is OK and what is not. This helps to give them ownership of the behaviour and feel valued in the process.

Keep it simple: Don’t waffle on and give long winded instructions. Keep them simple and concise that way your child will know exactly what you expect from them with no confusion or mixed message.

Give a warning: Get the child’s attention and give them a clear warning that the behaviour they are doing is wrong, not them specifically! Identify the problem you want them to stop. Be clear about what you are expecting and what you wish to stop/change.

Have clear consequences: Set out the consequences and remind them in the warning so they have it clear in their mind if they don’t listen what will happen. Don’t expect them to remember the consequences from another day or time. Repeat the consequences every time there is an unwanted behaviour.

Follow through consistently: Have the same consequence or rules each time. There is no point trying to develop better behaviour is you yourself are not consistent in your approach to the behaviour. If one day you have a particular consequence and another time you let the behaviour ‘slide’ or have a completely different consequence you are sending mixed messages and can’t expect the child to respond positively or change their behaviour.

Be consistent with everything and everyone: Everything seen is to be fair. The consequence needs to fit the behaviour and be fair throughout all children and for each behaviour.

Keep promises: Keeping promises means that they child can trust what you say. They will also respect you, even if the promise is not ideal for them.

Active listening is important: This helps young children to cope with their emotions. A lot of behaviour is easily explained and comes out of frustration. This is because they are still developing the appropriate tools to express themselves. By using active listening techniques it can diffuse a temper tantrum for example as you are demonstrating that you understand and respect their feelings and acknowledge their frustration.

Reward good behaviour: There is no point in their mind to try to be good if it goes unnoticed and only the bad behaviour gets attention. Catch them doing the right thing and comment. Praise them for being good. Not in everything they do all of the time but enough so that they feel noticed and their efforts acknowledged.

Spend time with them: Nothing can replace the time they can spend with you to make them feel loved and valued. This is individually or as a family unit. This doesn’t have to be the 1:1 as mentioned earlier but quality family time as well can make all the difference.

Stay calm: If you have to take 5 to take a deep breath to remain calm do so as long as it is safe. There is no point expecting your child to develop problem solving skills and ways to deal with life and conflict if you yourself are unable to remain clam and address the situation in an appropriate manner. A child generally is seeking attention and/or is learning how to deal with their experience/situation and needs guidance and understanding and patience.

Talk about the problem/issue: Share it with them. This helps them to take ownership and problem solve for solutions. This is an important step for them.

Give choice: If possible give them some choice so they can feel they play a part and that they have some element of control. Rather than taking all of the choice away allow them to make some decisions and some choice. Whether it be in the consequence or the rectification of the behaviour as they see it they quite often can play a important role in this and it is a great learning curve for them too.

Show you care: Affection goes a long way and nothing works better than a hug, kiss or a I love you! This is vital. Often children are seeking attention and they are still finding their feet about how to deal with life. They learn through experiences and they need love, guidance to do this and they need to fell that if they ‘slip up’ that you are there regardless.

Role Model: Children absorb the world around them. They learn from others and this includes adults. They get their cues on how to behave from others so we need to role model the appropriate behaviour. If you want them to use their manners….use your manners.

Get down to their level: Have you ever been chastised by someone taller than you and did you feel even smaller? This is the same for a child. We tower over a child so it is key to get down to their level by squatting or kneeling. This is a very powerful communication tool to use. It also helps them to focus on what you are saying as you are close and have their attention.

Choose our battles: While this may seem that you are letting some unwanted behaviour go you aren’t. What you are doing is waiting and allowing the child the chance to rectify or deal with the behaviour/issue. You need to ask yourself does this really matter? The reason you would do this (if safe to do so) is that you are not always giving negative commands, instructions and feedback. Children also need the opportunity to learn the skills for conflict resolution and problem solving and cause and effect.