Negotiating with a child

Negotiation is a large component of everyday life.

Whether it be as an adult negotiating with your peers or the electricity company a child will witness negotiation from an early age.

As an adult it is our responsibility to set boundaries and be consistent.

As your child grows you may find that they will start negotiating with you.

Negotiation is a fantastic social skill for the child to learn.

Negotiating with a child can actually build a healthier and stronger relationship with your child.

It enables the child to feel that they have some sort of say as well as helps them to learn to problem solve and develop skills like bargaining and empathy.

You may think that to negotiate with a child means that you are being counterproductive. 

It is important to be aware that as with parenting styles there are varying styles of parental negotiating.

Generally there are two types of negotiators.

1. The hard bargaining where the child gets very little say and you drive a hard bargain. This negotiating technique may often consists of a power struggle to achieve a predetermined outcome.
2. The accommodator who is usually the opposite end of the scale to the hard bargainers and is very permissive.

To be somewhere in between is the best solution in providing a positive example and outcome to negotiating.

Negotiating is a method in an attempt to address a behaviour, however, generally it is not considered the most effective type of a behavioural tool.

A child does not always have the the developmental capacity or life experience to understand the underlying reason for the negotiation.

You may find that it actually makes the situation worse if you try to bargain as now they want what it is you were using as the bargaining tool and have added that to the original issue rather than helping alleviate the issue that was at hand.

An example being a child wants that biscuit you were offering as the reward for eating 3 more spoonfuls. You have bargained this as they were initially not eating their lunch at all.

It may seem like a good strategy to bargain with the child to get them to eat 3 spoonfuls rather than nothing, although often you may find this is not a successful tool.

The child may eat one more spoonful and then decide they would like that biscuit now.

You may then find yourself reducing the spoonfuls from the original 3 spoonfuls as the protests become louder or more defiant.

As you can see that all that is happening is you are budging on the situation without getting the result you required and continuing to bargain with your child.

They have not eaten anymore spoonfuls and you are not about to get them to.

A child in this type of bargaining situation generally has the power.

That leaves two options:

1. To give in and give the biscuit. If you give the biscuit then they learn that if they make enough noise and are persistent enough they don’t have to finish their food.
2. Not give the biscuit and stand firm on the original bargaining agreement.

As the outcome was to try to get them to eat the spoonfuls, it has generally proven an unsuccessful experience for all involved.

Direct bargaining, such as the example above, where the context is—“I’ll give you this if you do that” is something to be cautious about in using because this type of bargaining tends to teach a child to cooperate only when there’s something to be gained externally, rather than because it feels intrinsically good to find solutions that suit everyone.

• Make it so that you agree not argue. Once you have got to the point of an argument it has failed.
• Take time to reflect on why the child is pushing back, non compliant or bargaining in the first place. There is a root cause for the child. It may be to exert independence, it may be fear, it may be unreasonable for the child in terms of developmentally appropriate (a 2 year old is not developmentally able to share) etc.
• The key in negotiating is allowing the child to feel a sense of agency over some element of the decision. Offering an alternative can alter the situation. For example, if a child is having trouble leaving the house you can present a carefully constructed choice for the child. If a child is refusing to get dressed provide the opportunity for the child to chose the clothes.
• Narrow the context of the negotiation. It is no point have a protracted negotiation due to lack of understanding or communication about the boundaries of the negotiation.
• Establish what the the child really is after. Identifying what their preferred outcome is will lead to a more effective negotiation.
• Both you & your child need equal involvement to come to a solution. It is not effective if you have the most say or bargaining in the situation.
• Explain the reasons you have from your ‘side’ and show that there is a basis or reason for your thinking.
• Let child ‘win’ sometimes- it is pointless in giving the child the opportunity to negotiate and they never have the option of ‘winning’. While it isn’t as clear cut as a winner and loser it is important that the child has some success in the negotiating otherwise there is no point in offering it in the first place.
• Work hard to find a middle ground.
• Remain calm and don’t take it personally.having said that it is necessary to keep the whole process peaceful so that it doesn’t escalate into an argument or any nastiness creep in.
• Listen to the child. Children who feel they have a voice feel safe and secure.
• Empathize with the child. A child needs a place of calm to be able to negotiate properly. Understanding and acknowledging their feelings, without agreeing or disagreeing it important.
• Take the time to focus on the interaction with the child. Remove distractions and provide your undecided attention to complete the negotiation.

Remember, that negotiating is not always easy especially with a child sometimes. It may very well be challenging especially as you both learn the boundaries and work out the limits.

It is worth it as it is a good learning tool as it helps the child to develop problem solving skills, learn confidence, and allows them to feel important, empowered and valued.

• Bargaining is not considered in anyone’s best interest. Ideally, you need to distract them before or just as a situation arises rather than try to bargain your way out of it.
• Model the correct behaviour whenever you can so that they can see what is expected of them.
• Set limits and have consequences if they do not follow them. Realistic consequences that are appropriate to the situation and occur immediately.
• Give them choices. This allows them to feel empowered and part of the process so with ownership they may not try to have a power struggle.
• Remove issues as much as possible. If they really despise zucchini then use the mask method to alleviate issues. This is a win win for both. You get them to eat the vegetable and they are eating something without knowing the vegetable is in it so no more struggle.