Alternatives to ‘No’

When a child exhibits challenging behaviour it is easy to fall into a trap of finding a quick fix or using ‘No’ often in an attempt to address the behaviour.

Although the more positive the approach to behaviour, including the way we speak, can influence the outcome and potentially defuse a negative behaviour situation.

A challenging behaviour situation can generally be turned around and rectified in the way we approach it with the child.

By saying No we are offering a closed reaction.

It offers no alternative to the child.

At no point are not acknowledging a child’s feeling’s, the root cause or triggers of the behaviour or allow them an opportunity to engage and learn from the situation.

We need to be mindful of our approach.

There are many strategies and methods that can support a child to learn and feel valued when they are dealing with their feelings, desires and needs rather than constantly using the word ‘No’.

• Rather than answer with a No or a negative response try a positive approach.
• Be creative with the answers rather than a straight out no.
• Give explanations as sometimes there is another reason why it is not possible and then they can see that there is a reason.
• Offer an alternative rather than just a no. Suggest an alternative time such as “that’s a great idea, what about we do it___”.
• If it is at the end of something then compromise and offer a specific amount more such as one more time and then it’s time to (go, stop the activity, have a bath, etc).
• If it’s a food related request perhaps offer a reduced amount so that they get a little and it isn’t a bit issue but a compromise. Then if they still want more then offer for alternative time and give a reason why.

OK, I hear you say. This is easier said than done.

Whilst initially it may be hard, in the long run it not only addresses the behaviour and defuses situations quicker it also provides the opportunity for a more positive relationship to be built as you are respecting the child.

• Example 1: Child asks: I want a biscuit? (Just after breakfast). Response: Of course you can have a biscuit for morning tea. If you’re still hungry we can make something/would you prefer a piece of toast, etc? (Give an alternative and change the direction of the request).
• Example 2: You are on your way to somewhere and are in a hurry and said child wants to balance on the wall. To hurry them along instead of saying no or barking the command to get down and rephrase it to something like…perhaps another time, instead lets race to see who wins…ready, steady, go!
• Example 3: Or when you are at the park with your little one and it’s time to go and they say I want to play longer. Instead of just no a good suggestion is to give a warning before first telling them it’s time to go. If this isn’t possible in this instance then give them another five minutes – saying “ok, you can have five more minutes”. Then give them reminders about the dwindling time such as two minutes to go, one minute to go, almost time to go after 3 more pushes on the swing.By doing it this way allows them to feel you listened and they have got the more time and ideally it is a win win as then there is no power struggle as you are doing a countdown to the time to go and by telling them that there are only 3 more pushes on the swing gives them a definitive time frame and end.