Sibling fighting

The sibling bond can be a complex one.

The bond is complicated and can be affected by many factors such as birth order, experiences, personality and can be directly linked to sibling rivalry especially as the individual may feel parental treatment if different for each child.

Being a sibling can be a positive experience, however, it can also bring conflict and arguments.

The problem with any argument is that it not only affects those involved, it affects the whole harmony of the house.

Competition and rivalry may be more intense in some families than others.

It is generally considered impossible to totally eliminate sibling rivalry and jealousy; however, it can be reduced.

For example, we may inadvertently compare children and this will encourage jealousy and rivalry.

• The nuisance quarrels which are when a child/ren are in a bad mood, tired or bored. These usually start over nothing and can be quite noisy but end without any ‘damage’.
• Verbal arguments which can be quite constructive as although they are loud they can serve as a place where children can air their issues and debate over things and give their opinions. This is an opportunity to develop their assertiveness. It generally doesn’t escalate into a physical argument.
• Destructive arguments can be physical or emotional in its damaging power. This type needs quick action as children generally always get hurt in some form or another. The way in which we intervene is determined by the actual argument and which children are involved as a younger child is often in need of more assistance.

As children get older generally your level of intervention is less, however, this may not always be the case. You need to take into consideration when deciding if you should let it take its course these 2 main things. Is it?

Physical: These arguments’ generally occur when a child is unable to keep up verbally with the argument.

And/or

Emotional: If the argument has resorted to emotional and verbal abuse you may need to intervene.

In both cases the children need to be aware and taught more acceptable ways to deal with situations and conflicts.

It can be tricky when dealing with siblings as not only do you have different ages to contend with but often different personalities too.

• Have realistic expectations: One child may thrive on pleasing you and showing her cooperation but the other child may have more difficulty with the concept of cooperation. Each child is different so try to set the bar of expectation differently for each, especially the younger. Depending upon their age and experience/knowledge (nurture) as well as individual temperament (nature), children develop cooperation differently.
• Remain impartial: No-one likes being blamed or treated unfairly, and it’s important for kids to be able to trust their parent’s emotions and reactions are always consistent. If one child has pushed you close to boiling point, make a concerted effort not to let your frustration flow onto them or onto others in the house. Yes, it is easy to say and sometimes a lot harder to do, but punishing an innocent bystander (even with a sharp tone of voice or negative attitude) isn’t fair and confuses your children as well as being quite frightening and upsetting. Kids need to be able to count on the behaviour and the consequence that it brings, rather than by doing the right thing and still being ‘in trouble’.
• Do individual things with each child: sometimes with more than one child life gets a bit crazy and things all merge together. It is important to try to take time out with each child individually. It makes them feel special and allows for one-to-one time which may not happen in the everyday busy running of the household. It will also give the siblings ‘space’ from each other and help to reduce incidents of arguments.
• Do things together as a family unit: doing activities or outings or even just quite time things all together helps to bring the feeling of closeness to a family. This then allows the siblings to feel more protective towards each other and not in competition of each other. It is a nice time to work together on something like a puzzle and get a joint outcome.

• Have rules
• Be consistent
• Involve children in the rule making
• Have good routines
• Be fair
• Remember to praise the good
• Try to remove triggers
• Supervise to reduce the chance
• Encourage problem solving but sometimes let them sort it out- if so then keep an eye on them to make sure OK
• Give tips
• Sometimes just diverting attention is enough or changing the setting.