Attention seeking or connection seeking?

Dealing with attention seeking can be challenging.

If we look at the root of the behaviour and break it down then we soon see that what we typically label as attention seeking behaviour is actually a child’s way of gaining the attention they seek the best and quickest way they know how.

This type of behaviour is really common.

When a child appears to be attention seeking in reality what they are doing is seeking a connection and validation.

Connection seeking stems from a child’s need to remind you that they exist. In their world they feel they need and deserve more attention then they have been receiving. Renaming from attention seeking to connection seeking allows us to analyse the behaviour in a more positive perspective. It facilitates addressing it in a more positive light. By no means are we implying that this behaviour is not challenging, difficult and at times unwanted.  It does, however, provide the opportunity for us to reflect on the reason behind the child’s feeling of need to seek out the connection, love or validation.

Each child is different in the way they will go about seeking attention. It’s important to remember that this type of behaviour is completely normal part of development.

The most common types of behaviours range from:

• Seeking praise (the look at me kind)
• Throwing a tantrum
• Screaming
• Whining.

It is key is to not focus on the behaviour as such but the basis for the behaviour (the why) and your response (the how).

Whichever way a child connection seeks it is more beneficial to not to lose your temper and become frustrated rather to take note of what they are trying to express. In doing so we are able to more actively address their needs and feelings. This response method has a positive impact on not only the situation but in time subsequent behaviours as well as understanding your child. By altering your behaviour and attention to them you will see a change in theirs.

• Having positive body language
• Actually ignore what traditionally would be labelled as ‘bad’ behaviour. Resist the temptation to react in a negative way such as scolding, yelling, etc and acknowledge the child, their feelings and actively listen to their needs.
• Stop what you are doing and take some time with them
• Thinking about things, situations from the child’s perspective
• Spending time with each child individually shows you care for them and allows them to feel special and valued. Spending as little as 10 minutes per day will help the behaviour
• Pay genuine attention to the child
• Praise, praise, praise (not the attention seeking behaviour other opportunities praise and show attention)
• Be consistent in your response and the way you tackle the behaviour
• provide them the opportunity to participate. Assign them tasks or little jobs they can do so they feel important and a part of something. This also assists in the child feeling capable
• Reward good behaviour (as simple as noticing the good, lavishing attention, etc not necessarily the material kind of rewards).